BFFs for Life

As we get older, our world gradually shrinks.  First it is the grandparents that you may not have known so well.  Then, eventually your parents and your significant other's parents.  Your siblings and friends from school start to die.  And with each death, your circle gets smaller.  Maybe you realize that people who took for granted are no longer here.  You can't just pick up the phone for an hour long chat after not talking for months.

I grew up on the grounds of a state mental hospital in NC.  It happened that there were a lot of kids also growing up there, many in my age group.  The first house we lived in was in a row of five houses that were bounded by Highway581 on one side and the Little River on the other.  As little kids, we had to stay more or less in those boundaries.  Kathy Hooks lived with her family in the house closest to the river.  I lived in the second house from 581.  Predictably, Kathy and I became friends.  She is pictured above with me and five of my siblings. 

The joys of having a BFF

My best friend from childhood died today. I am beyond sad. We had known each other since we were little kids, growing up at Cherry Hospital.  She and her family lived three houses down from us, in the house closest to the river.  Because we were limited to playing in the small area between the river and Highway 581, we inevitably became friends.  There were three kids in the Hooks family and , eventually, nine Abbott kids.  Kathy liked to tell the story of how she saved my brother, Billy, from drowning when he fell into the river above the dam and she pulled him out while my sister, Betty, went running home.  I was not in on this adventure as I was too young.  I was frequently at the Hooks' house.  Kathy was a bit of a bully to me in those years.  I can remember being up of the roof of her garage when it came time for me to go home.  Kathy climbed down the ladder and then took it away.  She didn't want me to go home but I didn't dare piss off my mother.  So I did the only thing I could - I jumped off the roof.  If we were in her room and I tried to go home, she wouldn't let me leave until I sang "O Holy Night", a difficult song for even those with a talent for singing.  I had no such talent and she would stand there laughing until I sang the whole song.  When my family moved to a bigger house on the other side of 581, she was bummed.  She and I broke into the old house and painted graffiti everywhere - things like Devil's Angels were here and such.  I was 10 and she was 11.  We got in trouble for that one. One Halloween, we were throwing raw eggs at passing cars.  One car slammed to a stop and started backing up.  We took off running to her house.  The car pulled into the driveway of her house as we hid in her room with all the lights off.  That was a close one!
Kathy got me a passing grade in senior English with Mrs. Osbourne.  I was in over my head and she would stay up with me before a test and spoon feed the info into my hollow head.  We promised to be in each other's wedding.
Over the years we were not often in contact.  I would see her every several years or so.  I was at her house once when she was married to her first husband.  This was probably 1974.  She came to DC in the late 70's to do some shopping for an event in Goldsboro.  She was staying in Georgetown so I met her there and we went out for a good time.  When it was late and she was hungry, she went to one of the few restaurants open at 3 AM.  She ordered steak tartare.  When the waiter brought her food, she looked at it in horror and said, "I can't eat that!  That steak is raw." The waiter looked at her and said, "What did you think steak tartare was?"
She and her second husband visited us in VA in July of 1983 or 4.  We did the DC tourist thing in 98 degree heat.  Her plans for her third (and last) wedding were scuttled by Hurricane Fran in 1996 but she was able to put together another wedding and reception in just 3 weeks time.
I could go on and on about the adventures we shared over the years, alone or with our husbands.  We planned as old ladies to get a place at the beach together and take care of each other.  We could talk for hours, usually laughing just as much as talking.  I don't know who I'll talk to now.

The fun of modern day flying

We just got back from a flight to Michigan to see the grandkids.  Flying today is very reminiscent of taking the Greyhound bus in the 60's.  And just about as pleasant.  We are always TSA pre-checked so we can go to the short line through security.  But Richard always has to wear his high top shoes with 48" laces that are almost impossible to get off and on.  Then he sets off the metal detector.  So he empties his pockets (and they throw away his pocket knife) and then he has to take his belt off and eventually take his clodhoppers off.  He is 77 and all this activity wears him out.  Meanwhile, I have breezed through and collected his bag and his coat and his shoes and wait 10 minutes or so for him to get through security.  Thank goodness we always show up early.  We flew from Myrtle Beach to NYC and gathered up our stuff to find our next gate.  Luckily, I asked before we actually got off the plane because that same plane was continuing to Detroit.  Why this was never mentioned is a mystery to me.
From NYC to Detroit, I sat next to a very talkative man who was flying to Michigan to help his 85 year old mother get moved to Naples, Fl.  I found out that he has one 16 year old son who was conceived through IVF.  He makes a lot of money, lives in Rye, NY, his wife was 42 when their son was born.  The boy goes to Fordham Prep instead of the nearby high school in Rye because his wife thinks he needs to be taught by Jesuits.  His mother currently lives on a lake with  gorgeous view so he convinced her to move to a retirement home with a good view even if the entrance fee is $1,000,000.  She can afford it.  There was no stopping his mouth.  when we go off the plane, I told him to say "hello" to his mother for me.  I felt like part of the family.

Crusing and learning

I just got back from my first - and perhaps my last - cruise.  I know many people who cruise frequently and love it.  I got the opportunity to cruise with some friends from western PA, people I used to work with in labor and delivery.  There was a group of L&D nurses going on this cruise to attend an educational workshop and earn CEUs.  Since I am retired, I opted out of the educational portion.  We went on the Harmony of the Seas, the largest cruise ship in the world.  That means it holds a lot of people, 6500 passengers and 2500 staff.  Does the term "herding cattle" mean anything? We left Port everglades in Florida on Saturday afternoon and docked at Nassau the next morning.  Since it was early Sunday, all the stores were closed when we got off the ship, although some would open at 10:30.  We were not staying long so we rushed to take a tour that included some beach time.  I understood nothing of what our guide said and I couldn't really see any of the things he was pointing out.  At the beach, which was beautiful, we slathered up with sunscreen and set out to enjoy the water.  But the water was a little rough for swimming at this particular place and it had a steep drop off, so we didn't actually get in the water much.  We had to be back on the ship by 2:00 pm so there was not much we could do.  The next stop was Charlotte Amalie at St. Thomas.  We booked an excursion for a tour and a stop at the beach of Magen's Bay.  Again, the tour was not so informative but Magen's Bay was nice.  We actually went to the beach first which meant we were in wet bathing suits when we headed to Blackbeard's Castle.  After that, we were on our own to find our way back to the ship as return transportation was not provided.  Day 5 was a stop at St. Kitts.  Another unintelligible tour ensued.  It was hot and humid and I felt sick most of the day.  The best part of St. Kitts was the shopping. Days 6 & 7 were the best days as we were at sea and I could just relax by the pool, do some Zumba, finish reading my Margaret Maron book.  There were lots of activities on board, many at the same time.  There were also many that were not well publicized, like the Zumba class.  I only did half of it because the deck was too crowded.  The pools were also very crowded after 10:00 AM. It was on day seven that we tried the enclosed water slide (did NOT like) and I attempted to climb the rock wall (didn't get very far).  We donated to the WWF and got turtle tee shirts.  As far the entertainment on board, the less said, the better.  Columbus the Musical, about a distant cousin of Christopher named Marvin Columbus was the stupidest thing I have ever seen.  Grease was vulgar and not at all like the original and the stand up comics were OK.  The ventriloquist got raves from those who caught the show but, by the time I heard about him, he had left the ship in St. Kitts.  One acrobatic show had to be cancelled because of rough seas.    The highlights were the fitness center, the fact that I didn't have to fix any meals and the mostly beautiful weather.  Not to mention the outstanding waitstaff in the dining room.  For me, a better vacation would be to fly to a tropical paradise and stay put in one place for a week.  Remind me of this if I ever think about going on another cruise.

What happened to the Christmas Letter?

I was looking through some old papers that I have saved for many years.  A lot of what I saved are Christmas letters from friends and relatives.  I also have some handwritten letters from older relatives, like Uncle Al and Aunt Connie.  I re-read them all as I tried to decide what to keep and what to throw away.  And I realized that I haven't gotten a Christmas letter in years - nor have I sent one out.  There were several from Jessica's godparents and, then, just her godfather after Peg Sante died.  Now Pete has also died so.  A friend from nursing school apparently had the smartest kids in the world and didn't mind letting everyone know.  They were valedictorians in high school and then went on the multiple degrees in Ivy League schools while she worked with at-risk populations of pregnant women and girls.  Hard to live up to that.  My sister-in-law used to send out missives updating the family on the exploits of her two daughters and kept us abreast of what our brother was doing.  I was not crazy about the Christmas letters but I sent them anyway as a means of keeping in touch with family and friends.  Now with Facebook and emails, it just doesn't seem as important.  But I miss them.  Be on the lookout for a letter this Christmas - that is if I send out cards.

Mood Swings

It has been a wonderful day so far for me.  I managed to get out of the parking lot and to the gym to try the cardio dance class.  As soon as I saw the skinny young women with no boobs, I started to suspect I was out of my league.  I lasted 50 minutes though, but left early enough that no one would have to call 911.  Then I had to fight the Seafood Festival crowd to get home.  My street has been blocked off due to the festival, but I made a point of telling the guard when I left that I would be back at 11:30 or so.
  After a quick shower, Richard and I went to the festival.

The sun was shining brightly, no clouds and only a little standing water here and there.  There was a nice breeze to keep things comfortable.  I had not eaten yet so I checked out the various food booths and opted for fried clams and fries.  Big mistake because I am never going to find clams as good as the ones I used to get at Nantasket Beach.  After checking out most everything, we settled into a couple of bar stools at Tight Lines Pub and enjoyed some adult beverages.  Then I made one more pass through the festival crowd and back home.  I checked out the Weather Channel briefly and all they had was the gloom and doom stuff that would make anyone not here think we might be in mortal danger.   It was only later that my thighs started to scream at me, protesting all the squats we did in class.  But still, it has been a very good day.  I love the fact that I can wear a tank top, shorts and sandals in October.  I love the water views.  I love the simplicity of renting.
The problem will be tomorrow when my mood swings back the other way and I start questioning my judgement in moving and despairing of what my next step will be.  And tomorrow it will probably rain again or, at the least, be cloudy and gray.  These mood swings have been plaguing me ever since I stopped my hormone replacement therapy last year.  I don't think I should go back on hormones but I sure wish my mood would stabilize somewhere in middle.  I would sacrifice the highs to get rid of the lows.

Saying Goodbye

I have been thinking of my brother, Stephen, a lot lately.  He died this past summer from cancer.  He was diagnosed early in 2013 of esophageal cancer.  He sent me a text message back in February of 2013 saying that he had started chemo andwas hoping for the best.  I went to SC in May of that year when he had his surgery.  He was living in SC alone and I figured I could look out for his best interests while he was in the hospital and help him once he got home.  His surgery was a major one and, with my help, he survived the whole hospital process.  He didn't really need a lot of help from me at home and I left once I saw that he was capable of handling his meds and his feeding tube.  He was able to go to the beach in NC that July.  His surgery was followed by another round of chemo.  I was so sure he would survive the cancer even though the statistics for his kind of cancer were not good.  It was, after all, found early.  A year after his original diagnosis, it was found that his cancer had returned.  He started chemo again but it didn't go well.  At some point, he opted to try a clinical trial for an experimental drug.  By July, he was on a fast downward spiral.  In early July, he was having trouble walking and talking.  A brain tumor ( or more accurately, three brain tumors ) was discovered.  He had surgery to remove the one operable tumor.  After that, it was a series of one sibling or another going to SC to stay a few days or a week.  He didn't want too many people with him at one time.  I contacted hospice for him but he didn't feel ready for that.  He was hoping to try gamma knife radiation for the other 2 tumors.  Three weeks before he died, he was talking about selling his house and getting a house on one level.  But he was talking about having one built.  He refused to make out a will.  He refused to sign a DNR.  In the meantime, one sister flew down from MA, one came from Vancouver, one came from AZ, a brother came from GA.  We tried to take turns.  He had a wonderful friend from work who came to his house every day after work to sit with him and help him in any way she could.  He didn't mind having Sandra there.  His friend Leo came from MA to stay with him for the duration.  A couple of days before my last trip to SC, he went to the hospital again.  I was able to get him home and under hospice care just two days before he died.  The last night he was alive, Sandra and Leo and I and some other friends sat around his bed, drinking bourbon and ginger, talking to him and about him.  Every now and then he would throw in a comment.  He died the next afternoon.  He had no wake, no funeral, per his request.  His family and friends did not get to gather one last time and remember him.  He was cremated and his ashes are now in MA awaiting a final disposal. It has always felt like we never got to say goodbye.  It was better than a sudden death because we almost all got to see  him one last time.  And, as much as I don't like the tradition of a 2 day wake and a funeral, I felt like we missed something.  We tried to have a makeshift memorial service at Thanksgiving but it didn't feel right.

This is the last photo of him taken a couple of months before his death.  He looks happy and not so sick.  Rest in peace, Stephen.  We all miss you.